Dear Bang....

July 24, 2009
7:28AM

Dear Bang,

I am writing this letter for you so you will know exactly what I have been going through. I would also like to reiterate to you all the feelings I have had for you ever since I met you. I have to admit, bang, that the moment I met you was one of the highlights of my life. I was so happy because God somehow listened to my prayers of making meet someone I would enjoy being with; someone I can be as truthful as I can be yet would still accept me fully.

You were someone I adored so much. Everything about you was beautiful to my eyes. I have not seen the imperfect side of you. To me, you have been made by God so astonishingly fantastic that I can not even be enough for you.

Bang, let me thank you for all of these. For several moments in my life with you, I was really happy. You made me feel important. You made me feel wanted. You made me feel complete. You made me whole.

I thank you bang for all the love and inspirations you extended to me. I thank you for making me feel good about myself. I thank you so much for all the other things that -- because of you -- I came to experience and enjoy. I thank you for allowing me to become part of you, of your circle, of your family. I thank you so much endlessly. I will never forget this.

Bang, I thank you for allowing me to call you "bang" which you told me you prefer this that I call you such because you felt the love I have for you every time I call you such -- BANG..

Bang, when you said goodbye to me last night, I have to admit that it was expected by me. God knows that I predicted it coming. When we first said goodbyes to each other two weeks ago using the word "sayonara", it shocked me. The shock made me cry. It was a tumultuous surprise. I realized that how much I thought you meant to me was a total understatement. That word "sayonara" shook me and awakened me that you are indeed the center of my world; that you meant the whole world to me; that words are not even enough to express and describe how much love I have for you and your essence to me. I need you because I love you so much, bang, so I gave it a second chance.

Bang, I am so sorry if I have caused you some pains, some frustrations. I admit that it was not really that intended. God knows that I can not hurt you. God knows that I am so concerned about you and that I care so much for you. I even feel and think that I can give up my life for you. I swear! I have always prayed for your happiness, for your success, for your great health, for your prosperity.

But, bang, I also realized that because of the magnitude of what I feel for you, I developed the fear of losing you. I became critical specially on those moments when you made me feel dumb and stupid. It was like you made me feel like an idiot in my communication skills. This is even on top of those times when you lent to other people the things I gave to you; at times, you lost them; at other times, it was destroyed for reasons you can not even clearly articulate to me. It was like you never took care of those little very special things I gave to you. You made me feel as if I was just your toy and that you were only playing at me. Moreso, some inconsistencies in what you have been doing and what you are doing seemed to have piled up in me. The more that I became so scared specially that from time to time, you reinforced my belief that I have never been a part of your priority. And for me to be sure about this because I did not want to be wrong in this aspect, I asked you. You said I was important to you. I thought I had to believe you but my observations were proving me otherwise. Your actions were different from your verbal claims. This hurt me so I told you about this. I did not want to keep it inside me so that we could do something about this. I even told you that I felt I was being taken for granted especially on those moments when we were together yet we barely talked to each other and, what you have been doing instead was to text and text and text and text. I felt ignored and used. I considered this as a visible hint to start pondering on saying good bye. It was like every thing was being one-sided.

Though I love you so much, but then, I can not allow anyone to hurt me (or at the very least make me feel) this way. Then, I thought and asked myself if this is worth it; if all the love and time and act of services and even the words of affirmation I have extended to you were all worth it. In restrospect, I started to have my doubts especially every time I would ask you if you love me and you would respond with "I love you too but you love me more." How can this be possible? This was the other hint.

Anyway, bang, God knows I wanted to be with you last night. But I was so disappointed with you that the pain kept on lingering. I thought I finally needed to face myself; that I needed some space to think and re-group my scattered self. I have been resting in pieces all along. My love for you became so cruel to me. How can I extend a genuine love to you or to others if I can not even give it to myself? I did not want you to doubt my love so I must be able to show to you again that I also love myself.

Bang, I opted not to go with you last night because for the Nth time, you failed to communicate with me. No! No! We communicated but you failed to abide by what we agreed on. Ahmm, I may have probably misunderstood you -- just maybe -- but what did you do for me to fully understand your point? Nothing. You promised me before that you will try your best to bridge the gap between our points of view but your words were cheap. You never did it. Because probably, you never meant it after all. Remember honestly how many time I communicated with you especially through text messaging system and you never bothered to reply? Go back to those times and answer this question.

Bang, I am so sorry if I had to do what I had to do. I love you too much, I know, and you said that you know and can feel that too. But I also have to have some self-respect. Otherwise, you will continue to make me feel insecure and just needed but not loved back. I told you for several times that I was wearing out, burning out because you always made me feel as if I was running after you, trying to cope with you. I told you all about this because this what was i was feeling. Then you replied that I don't have to do so because you have always been beside me all the time. But, again, I told you bang, that I do not feel that way. And yet, you seemed to have ignored my words and continued to believe in what you wanted. You heard me and you never listened to me that is why you failed to do something to remedy my situation.

Bang, I hope to see you again and somehow, we can just be very very good friends. But there is just one thing that I would like to tell you. That is, you will always be the most special person I shall ever have for the rest of my life. And I thank you for sharing beautiful memories with me.

And Bang, you told me in your text last night that you are wishing for me to achieve my dreams. I thank you very much for that but let me tell you from the bottom of my heart bang that it will never happen anymore. Bang, you have always been my dream so how can I still achieve it if you have already bid me goodbye?

with all my love for you forever and ever,

jonjon
the freed dragonfly


PS: I will always be here whenever you will need me. Just tell me CLEARLY and SINCERELY.. God speed and good luck. May you find the kind of happiness you have always been wanting to experience and may you meet the kind of people who will be better in everything that I have done to you especially in coping with you. I will miss you so much.. Ngatzke lage...

I LOVE YOU; YOU NEED ME

Accepting a bitter fact is kinda hard to do. It requires a lot of effort and persistence. Just like this feeling I have right now. God knows I love you so much. But do you love me too? You said that you love me too. At times, you would even initiate saying these beautiful words. You also said though that the love I have for you is more than the love you have for me. Quizzical. You know that and yet you are not trying to at least convince yourself to make it even. Why? Let me tell you this, you do not actually love me. You only love everything that I do for you. Simply put, you just need me.. yes, NEED not LOVE..

-=dragonfly=-

I QUIT SMOKING

When I was a kid, I despised smoking. The cloud-like matter that billows the air suffocates me. I did not like the smell. I did not like the sensation as it hit my eyes. I told myself, I will never smoke in my entire life.

When I grew older, I started to make some changes. No! They were not at all planned. They were spontaneous. They just happened. Slowly, I came to adjust to the smell of cigarette smoke. At times, I would secretly puff one stick in the privacy of my room. Bu after that, I would cough. This would make me promise never to smoke again. But just like before, time and oft, i would find a leeway to puff just a tiny tiny single puff which usually ended in puffing the whole stick. Then, another promise would be made only to be broken after quite sometime.

When I reached College, I told myself "This time, i will not bother to even try to puff a cigarette." Indeed, I survived tertiary education without breaking my vow. It ran until I earned my master's degree.

When I started to work, I was not puffing cigarette. Until, one day, I puffed one. Hmmm, this time, I saw a purpose. Yep! It was soothing. Relaxing. De-stressant (my word). It was also a pasttime. I enjoy trying to form shapes of cigarette smokes. Besides, my friends smoke too. Into the circle. I was in the circle. Sad part, I also drink. But hey, I only smoke in the absence of my students. I smoke between 5 to 10 sticks a day.

Then there came last night, June 9, 2009 at past 11 in the evening. I gave my lighter (that yellow lighter) to the person I cared too much, I lost, and rekindled again. I promised never to smoke again. This is a vow I shall keep for the longest time. I swear I will not smoke again. I will resist the temptation at all cost because this time, I already know the essence and meaning of the word "promise".

This time, it will be for real.

Good bye cigarettes...

THE HAYDEN VIRTUE

I initially doubted the sincerity of the tears shed by one of Philippines' finest starlets in the name of Katrina Halili when I first saw her on TV reacting to the scandalous video people from all walks of life saw on the multimedia facilities like the TV, video and the internet containing her and that of Dr. Hayden Kho's visually filled sexual activities that took place in the room of the latter. This I had the feeling until I saw the actual footages of the concerned videos. It was too much, tremendous and definitely Katrina had the utmost reason to feel that way and to even go beyond shedding tears. (My apologies...)

Pardon my jumping on to the bandwagon and bruhahaha. I just felt I needed to write some of my thoughts in this blog regarding this much publicized scandal. I have some opinions which supported some of the others who witnessed the frames shown while I also have some peculiar ideas other people might cause to raise their brows and frown before me. But nonetheless, let me take the courage to go through it and express my thoughts without meaning any prejudices to those who might have a direct or indirect concern regarding this matter minus the fact about my stature in the society where I belong to date.

Frankly speaking, as soon as Senator Bong Revilla broke to the entire nation the existence of a video showing lewdity of two Filipino celebrities in his privilege speech made in the House of Senate and which was broadcasted on different television channels across the country that breached through the psyche of international media, i thought that it is just Bong's way of catching the people's attention since election weather has already started. I also thought that it is just like any other video scandals of pinoy celebrities that flourished in the underground market of video pirates which will just die down and eventually become part of history within just a week or two.

I was all wrong.

Soon, I have realized that this controversy is not like any other previous similar video discs. Names of prominent people were started to be blurted out in interviews. More senators, congressmen and even government officials became noticeably concerned. They made their comments and shared their views regarding the case. The NBI, PDEA and the OMB became deeply involved. Names of rich people like Dr. Vicky Belo were mentioned. Subpoenas were issued. Tests were conducted. PressCons were held. Throwing of sub-issues was done. All of these contributed to the magnification of the entire hulabaloo. At this time, I found myself engrossed.

Instantaneously, TV news included a regular segment of this case. Simultaneously, I became too curious. I started to surf the net; ask friends about their opinions. I became too engrossed to knowing the latest buzz about this whole thing. I would rush home just so I would catch the news on TV.

I also noticed that people from anywhere and everywhere of every part and kind of the society made this as an excellent topic for conversation -- while strolling, sipping coffee in the cafeteria, while bystanding, smoking, during drinking sprees, and even in the jitneys, tricycles, buses, vans among other opportunistic venue.

Questions that can be audibly heard include: what have you seen? Where can you find a copy? What time will be the broadcast? What is the website? Who said so? How did one react to such allegation of another? Is it really them? Who is to blame? Drugs involved? These were just few of the so many questions that people started to ask persistently. Everyone was waiting for the next scene to transpire; for the next interviews to take place; etcetera etcetera.

On my own, I did my part of inquiring hoping i would be satiated, satisfied with what I will find; hoping I would find information which I could also use to exchange information when I am with my friends or colleagues while we talk about it -- my part of grandstanding.

But what really shocked me was something I never thought I found -- not from Hayden or Katrina or Maricar; not from them but from me.

Let me make myself clear though. I understand and I agree that such act to video tape one's sexual escapades with another fellow without the consent of both parties is abhorable, insane, illegal and a direct breach and invasion of one's right to privacy. Disgusting! It can even be unforgivable specially in the case of Katrina whose career is at stake and also her future. The video was a manifestation of Mr. Kho's lack of respect to Katrina and to the women. And I am not yet even counting the act of leaking these videos to the pirates. I am only at this time referring to the act of videotaping the very private act.

But, as I finished watching the videos from a colleagues' mp4 mobile player, I realized how disturbingly manipulative Mr. Kho can really be. He knew his assets. He knew how to use these assets to his advantage. All the women on the videos that he has been with seemed to just abided by the gestures of commands made by him. He was a sex god on the video and all the women seemed like his robots -- sex slaves. I never thought that someone as good and decent as he looks could do something like that. Indeed, a person should never be judged by others though his looks.

The very vivid sexual acts done were like those that can only be seen on pornographic materials. How outrageously envying I thought to myself. Admittedly and with a twist of seeming shame, a part of me is shouting "I want to be like him." It was simply fascinating; unbelievable to comprehend that somehow he became my sexual idol -- someone I now look up to due to the bedroom abilities he has shown on those video. But only to this point. I have to admit that I am disturbed with such preposterous adulation. Well, I am just being hauntedly honest. I am just like those others who had the chance to watch these videos and later on found themselves admiring Dr. Kho for such a splendid (sorry for the term) manipulative performance on the bed with his women. Imagine, he has gone to bed with some of the most beautiful women in the Philippines! But then again, only on this point of the matter.

Anyway, I just hope all of these things will be finally laid to rest and those who really sinned shall be punished. May the victims be absolved by the society and be given the chance to redeem their dignity and lost glory. Also, may the embarrassment gone through by the victims become a learning experience for all of us so that at least something good will come out from this very ugly part of showbiz history and that similar occurrences can never happen again.

May God have mercy on all of us sinners...

-=freed dragonfly=-

WHY MY FRIENDS LOVE ME (sabi nila toh)....

I sometimes get tired trying to figure out how I can accommodate all the invitations I am receiving from different people. It makes me think that at times having so many friends can be disturbing and mind-boggling. But, what the heck?! It is a privilege and an opportunity to be a friend of another person. And this goes without saying on my part that it is your honor to be my friend. Bwahaahah…

Anyway, here are the results of my survey I conducted among those who love being with me regarding my inquisition as to why they enjoy my presence…

1. I am warm.

2. I am intelligent.

3. I am a trophy somehow.

4. I have good taste.

5. I drink and smoke.

6. I don’t do drugs.

7. I am inquisitive.

8. I sing well.

9. I am a positive thinker.

10. I don’t mind what other people perceive of me.

11. I don’t say bad words (mura/muda) like diputa, parot, hayup, bulikaninaniyamo, dimunyu..

12. I read a lot.

13. I have mp4 player, digicam, video cam (which I readily lend to them)

14. I am very good in computer.

15. I always have something to talk about enthusiastically.

16. I travel a lot.

17. I go to movies with them.

18. I smell good.

19. I have connections.

20. I am straightforward when I criticize them but I am ready with my suggestions.

21. I give them a treat when I have extra money.

22. I am patient.

23. I sometimes escape and run away making them feel thirsty for my presence.

24. I have work thus I have money which they can borrow without interest.

25. I don’t have enemies.

26. I have a very private personal life which makes me mysterious leading them to try and perservere inp enetrating me.

27. I have my crypton Z and XRM which they can borrow with gasoline they can consume.

28. I don’t know how to cook that is why I would ask them to cook the food I want to eat leading for them to also take a bite of the food.

29. I am forgetful especially the money they owe to me.

30. I love downloading and burning movies onto DVDs which they can borrow and more often than not NOT return anymore because I forgot who borrowed from me.

The list of good things, bad things, and neutral things continues but I want to stop at number 30. All of these collectively make them love being with me, and miss me when I am not with them. I have to admit I have friends who are true and who are untrue. But who cares anyway?! hahahaha

DRAGONFLY (by spongecola)

Maybe I'm a little addicted
Maybe I just Can't get out of this
Maybe it is just too soon to say

I've seen you blow right past my window
You flew away and I was left inside
Without a clue

But If you think that I am too stoned to write
Don't think twice

Free your mind
Don't let me down
We'll find a way to make it go away

I went ahead without direction
A form of semi-self-mutilation
Dragonfly collides with truth

Why can't you see me like I see you
Can't you feel me like I feel you
Can't you be with me tonight

I'll make it go away
(my dragonfly)

COME TO THINK OF IT

Three days before Easter Sunday. Maundy Thursday, that was. I have been contemplating on this tumultuous journey I have been having since about a year or so ago. It was a roller coaster ride, indeed, as I thought it was. Beautiful one day. So bad the next day. Struggling but fruitful somehow. At the end of the day, the balance is tilting. I realized, it was a battle not worth fighting for anymore. I thought, it must be over. But how and when? Yeah, Easter for the when. I still don't know the manner.

Black Friday. God died on the cross to save us mankind from the destruction of fiery sin. Yeah, a sinner that I am, full of guilt and crashing disobedience from the moral standards set forth by the supramundane being. Hmm, human as I am as I thought but nevertheless enveloped by the seeming fact in mind that there is always a sense of responsibility in everything that I do to anyone. Yeah, now I know how i should end it. It must be done without goodbye. Just plain and simple silence and undetected distancing.

Easter Sunday. The day when everything will start to happen. The promised day. The designated moment of truth. I am not sure if it would hurt that much knowing that i loved too much such I almost lost my self-respect and feeling of self-worth. But, I am determined. Unlike in the past, this time, I will, I must because this was long overdue. I have been too stupid for almost 12 months. Now is the moment. There could be no other time in the future anymore. This is it!

First easter week. Now. I realized, it was just a breeze. Not the same as I thought it would be that difficult. It was just easy. Things have been falling into their right places. "Concerned" people are unwittingly and unintentionally doing their parts to make this situation so easy for me to handle. Why? because no one knows except me that I have started to escape, eject, deviate, stop or distance already. I never expected this to be this smooth and simple. It is good-bye this time. Good bye to my crazy, stupid, thunderous yet rollercoaster ride.

But, I will not forget all those moments -- both the good times and the bad. Because all of them made the whole thing as good as it is now. Adieu to the paramore. friends? hmmm, could be. But I am not hoping anymore. If it comes to that point, why not? Besides, we shared a lot of things together for quite a while. They can not be taken to the side of my memory; they can not be ignored.

The dragonfly will continue to be my nick. But, the reason for my having it has been freed already. Let it fly over to the new horizons. Explore new fields. Try new sites. So long..

-=(dragonfly)=-
04.14.2009
11:05AM
TLC Comlab

I'M BACK (after 5 months in nowhere)

Hello everyone. I am finally back after being away for more than 5 months. I will try to provide you with some updates of the things that i have been through one step at a time. I am not promising anything though. But, I guarantee you that I will really try.

Meanwhile, it is summer time once again. Remember my blog during this time of the year last year? Graduation time once again. Tumultuous yet liberating.

Well, I am writing this just to let you know that i am back.

So, that's it!

I'm back..

Good luck to me in my future blogs..

God bless everyone..

Missed all of you..

I will try to think about the topic which I shall write first in my simple journey of updating you..

ngatzke lage..

Ahmmm, ey, mizyah so much bang.. Love you as always..

-=(dragonfly)=-