Phoenix of Attraction

A phoenix there will come a time when it shall turn into fire and become ashes. From its ashes, a new young phoenix shall be born -- REBORN! This is the core of my blog today -- the Phoenix of Attraction.

Attraction is the kind of uncontrollable visual connection between one entity and another which is manifested by a certain kind of pull. It creates a stinging sensation that makes one excited and always on the adrenaline rush. It sometimes becomes a source of inspiration and a persuasion to look forward to seeing that other person.

I have been through uphill battles when it comes to connecting with other people whether that nexus is instantaneous or a consequence of a regular, suddenly habitual, natural interaction between me and the other person. I have to admit that succumbing to this force stirs me all the time. It engulfs me and preoccupies me. It carries me away and even blows me out of my mind.

The sad part of this undertaking, I mean, of this occurrence, is when the attraction seems to be one sided or there are certain requisites that I need to comply so that the other side would reciprocate my somehow one-sided connection.

But the good part in experiencing this is that metamorphosing effect of making you a better person, a wiser, more careful being. In other times, it gives you the chance to rethink things and improve your chances of getting involved in a happier, more fulfilling relationship in the future. This is like a Phoenix reborn.

As I continue to observe myself and even those who I know have been through relationship trials specifically that breaking up instance, just like a fire, it is so hot you could not bear the pain of departing from the person who is so dear to you and has brought meaningful memories that provided more colors to the day-to-day journeys. But, just like a phoenix, from the fire there comes this ash and from the ash there comes a new phoenix.

This is also true to relationships. At the beginning, calling it quits with someone very special is sometimes like breaking your persona into several, shattered glass pieces. There is the impossibility of being able to bubbly bounce back to enjoyable life because life suddenly becomes so dark, blue and unenthusiastic. Breathing has become so hard and the heart has numbed. The thought of the painful feeling has occupied the center of everything. Moving on with life has lost its meaning.

But, without us going through such ups and downs in this paradoxically unexplainable act of linking and disconnecting, we will not be able to start knowing the decipherable presence of the spirit of the Phoenix long have been living in all of us. And from this, there we shall be reborn. We will start wittingly or unwittingly to continually rise up from the ashes of the previous achy relationship and the bitter memories will slowly fade away. Soon, smiles will become obviously present on our faces. Frowns are drowned by the new happiness we shall find. And we shall reconnect again with hopes and with with passion.

And so the spirit of the Phoenix will continue to linger on. As the cycle goes on, so too shall we become stronger thereby stretching the time when the Phoenix shall be burned into ashes again.

DON'T JUDGE THE PERSON BY HIS COVER BECAUSE HE IS NOT A BOOK

I know you still remember Melanie Marquez when she said this title as her response to the question posed to her by one of the media men regarding the way her brother Joey Marquez was being treated by the people at the height of the gun-poking controversy with Ms. Kris Aquino. But, seriously, she has a point.

Indeed, judging another fellow with the way he looks can be really bad especially if you hardly know the person. Thus, I believe that impression on first instance is not lasting. It happened to me. I thought this person was something when, later I found out, the person is actually something else.

May I keep the person's identity with the code name: Nine.

Anyway, I am in my onset of 30 years and I thought that being as youthful as I try to be would allow me to really have a clear grasp of the divide that is between me and my students. I think this belief of mine is somehow true. I seem to enjoy this kind of opportunity to really get to know the seeming mysterious auras which some of my students aged between 17 and 20 have. I develop this personal touch and connection with them and because of this, I found trust. At times, they would start talking about the fancy and colorful lives that they have starting from simple things like favorite songs, hobbies to vanity insanity like tattoos and body piercing. In some cases they would open up to me about the difficulties they have had and also those they are right now going through.

To me, this state is a privilege that they bestow upon me. I oftentimes get hit on the face straight up as some of the vulgarities and out-of-nowhere revelations would strike my ear. I get stunned, stoned and abruptly get hooked into an awe of either too much astonishment or fear. It makes me keep of thinking if these things are true or just make believes.

There are those who reveal that despite their good looks and all, they seem to be filled up with so much insecurities and fears in life. They would say that they sometimes indulge in vices and get hooked with "unworthy" friends because of some family problems, a feeling of neglect in the house and, ironically, due to poverty. They long for love and affection, for some feeling of concern, for attention, for hugs and embraces so they would feel someone appreciates them. In pursuing these things, they would resort to something I find unacceptable yet doable for them. How unjust for these youngsters to go through such pains in life at this early stage!

Nine is one of them. Physically, he looks neat. He has by the way an admirable look. He is diligent and always attentively listening to the lessons. He would be inquisitive most of the time, helpful, loves to talk and funny. Yet, as I got to know him better, I realized that he is not what I thought he was. He has body pierces. He got embroiled in teen troubles in school. Almost got stubbed by standers-by. Got hit by trippers and the list continues. I got confused and it kept me thinking. Is it not amazing to know that my judgment is far from bulls eye. It makes me even think hard enough that from time to time I would just sleep through it. It hooks me into deep thinking and analysis. I wonder how others do their things.

But at the end of the day, I would end up envying them for the are living the kind of adventures I thought I have also wanted to undergo when I was young. In as much as I want to, can you imagine myself realizing and living it up? Hayst! I can not even imagine doing it in spite of my envy and wishful thinking.

Anyway, with these in my mind, let me return the title, have you ever thought I have this deepest secret of what i want to do too with the way I behave and look now? I doubt if you are sure of your positive reply. But mind you, I have and hopefully one day when I have the guts to do so, I shall have my tongue with a single pierce, my ear with earrings on just the right side, my tattoo of an eagle's wings on my groin area and, as I have already mentioned, the list goes on.

Now, who are you to judge anybody? Who am I to judge you? Why don't we just accept each other and be merry for who we are when we are with each other.

Bless us.

THE TRUTH BEHIND "NEVER FAIL TO ENJOY LIFE"

Hirap naman ng people have gotten used to seeing me always wearing a grin on my face and basically almost all the time enjoying life as if it is my last day on earth.. Opps, knock on the wood three times... Hahahaha

I have to admit that I am the kind of person who takes life seriously but lightly. Huh oh... Let me please explain this seeming irony. Ganito po yun. I see life as one beautiful opportunity that the Ultimate Supramundane Being has given to me. It is a great way for me to touch people, be with them, enjoy God's creation, be loved, to share whatever i can to others among the so many numerous tendencies I can extend to myself and, most importantly, to others. It is a super good gift anyone can have. Kaya nga, I really show off a happy person me.

But, truth is, I am just a human being. I have my downs also. I sometimes have nights of my soul when I would dwell on too much loneliness and hardships usually caused by lonesomeness and problems in the family and friends. Well, I can emphatically say that I can handle all of my personal problems. But, I can not withstand the pains of knowing that a loved-one has one. It just grips and crashes my heart. Thus, in my solitude, I shed tears. But, I just blurt it out only when I am all by myself. Because, I can not show that to other people. Well, yes, I understand that crying does not make me half the man that I am. You see, I cry.. I just don't flaunt it. It a simple way of showing vulnerability.

Anita Kelley said "The more information one knows about you, the more power they have over you." Well, let me point out something from this. That power will only become possible if they know your soft side. But, if they only know your strong side, what power do they have over you? Well, they may try to look further and beyond on how they can beat your strength. But, on the other hand, they will have a harder time.

Thus, I continue to show that problems don't pose a threat to me. I show the people around me that I am strong and that I can handle almost everything fair and square whatever is happening deep inside me. To me, the latter is immaterial. What is important is that the people continue to perceive me as a hard-to-beat type of person; some who laughs at problems that they just shy away from me. So, they would look up to me, consider me as someone worthy of their emulation, an idol to reckon with and so on and so forth. Knowing these perceptions of others boost my morale further.

Although, at the end of the day, who is suffering? Me? Hmm, do they know that? They don't. And that is what matters most to me. They find me strong; a fighter; a positivist.. This is the kind of person everybody loves. Someone that they can depend on. Someone who they could turn to when they have no one on their side -- their foundation, their inspiration, their source of something good.

To some of my friends, of my students, of those who I do not know but regard me as such somehow, this is the kind of persona that I must continue to live by and imbibe in them. I know the danger when one they would find out how rotten, or sorrowful or faint or soft or human I am inside.. But that is just hypothetical as of the moment. Tomorrow is never a promise in the first place. Today is one thing that is for sure. I will just cross the bridge when I am there. And pretending even to myself, I can face the world tomorrow whatever happens.

Meanwhile, I will continue to live by my seeming facade of "never failing to enjoy life cause it is too short and so beautiful to be wasted". I am who I am because of how others perceive me to be. And I love it very much.. And tonight when I go home, resting on my bed later after I switch off the light as I go to sleep, again, I shall blankly look up to the ceiling and ponder: "When will this quizzical deception ever end?"

And I shall have the same answer: "As long as others continue to be the way that they are towards me.." And I shall close my eyes and wait for the new day just in case it comes again. Meanwhile, I want to have a good night's rest and text everybody: "Good night, god bless, mizyah much, take care... -=[dragonfly]=-"

mwaaahh...

NO MORE BEING EHMO

Yesterday, I posted a blog here discussing my thoughts about what I felt when I read the title of one of the pictures posted on his friendster by a former student of mine who later became one of my much admired friends. I said in that post that I was offended and made me doubt his sincerity.

But last night, I came to realize that what I must do first thing today is to remove from my blog that post because of several reasons:

1. that some people will be able to identify the concerned person by way of browsing the photo contents of the different friends I have in my friendster. Malalaman ng mga kaklase nya na sya ang tinutukoy ko even if I had withheld his identity.

2. that he deserves to be heard; to explain if he so obliges.

3. that we are all imperfect people and everybody needs some forms of liniency and of understanding;

4. that maybe he really hates being emo that is why when he saw the picture, he did not like it. He was just being honest and he should be respected.

5. that as one of his friends, I should take the first step of understanding and supporting him.

But, he must also understand that he is also duty bound to respect those who are into emo. Respect begets respect as the saying goes. He, too, should understand that being emo does not make him less of a man. He is a human being and that sometimes having that kind of feeling is normal.

Pero, at the end of everything, suportahan na lang tas respetuhan. Because of this, ayun, tinanggal ko na ang last blog ko kahapon. It was, i thought, inappropriate. I apologize.

Besides, I have also decided na NOT being emo is my best thing to do. Kaya, cge padi, EMOtional... Parot! na lang kita.. One for all; all for one.. Ahehehe..

God bless you always.

Palipas Oras Lang with this non-sense

(reposted from my friendster blog)

1. When I'm drunk, I tend to...

** shut up my mouth.. mahirap na..

2. Shots or beers?

** beers.. i puke pag shots.. ahehe

3. Do you have drinking buddies?

** yep.. a couple of them.. para tipid sa lahat..

4. Do you get Angry?

** di ko na matandaan kung kelan yun..

5. Do you puke?

** go back to item 2.

6. After 7 drinks who are you?

** the silent angel pero sobrang ganda na ng mga mata.. maiinlab ka..

7. Your favorite drink is?

** San Mig Lite..

8. Tequila does what to you?

** dancer.. macho dancer.. nyaakk!

9. Who do you drink with?

** (close) friends only...

10. Vodka makes you?

** a singer naman para maiba sa item 8... nyaahhh..

11. Do you smoke when you drink?

** i don't smoke.. bad for the lungs..
hirap ng di makapasok ang oxygen sa katawan ko

12. Do you pass out?

** self-control is up pag umiinum ako.. kaya, nope!

13. Do you drink girly drinks?

** sa totoo lang, yep pero bihira talaga.. i swear
natatamisan ako maxado..

14. Do you drink alone?

** hmm, pag alang available tas nasa timing ako..

15. Worst drink you have ever had?

** yung sobrang pakla na red wine.. siyeeeet.. di na ko uulit nun..

16. Do you play drinking games?

** once lang.. trip trip kc..

17. Favorite Beer?

** un na nga, San Mig Lite.. not so cold ha.. nawawala kasi ang lasa..
sayang naman.eh di tubig na lang kung ganun lang naman.. ahehe

18. Do you sing when you're drunk?

** yep, kaso bumabalag minsan boses ko.. di ko kasi macontrol hangin.. hekhek

19. What will you NOT drink?

** phlegm.. aahhhhhhhh!
muriatic acid.. aruuuuuuuyyyy!
lason of any form and kind... arrgggggh!

20. Are you a lightweight when it comes to drinking?

** admittedly, ahha.. honest ako eh..
kasi, i drink to enjoy at makijam lang naman..
hirap yata ng black-out, sakit sa ulo the following day..

22. Do you ever drink Bacardi Silver?

** what da! not yet.. ano ba yan? aheheh ignorante..

23. Do you like frozen drinks?

** sus, eh di di na yun drinks...
munch na yun or ngasab!

24. Do you drink liquor straight?

** yep. yep. yep. actually, tipid sakin mga barkada ko
kasi di ako nagpupulutan or yung chaser just in case..
baka gusto mo imbitahan ako..

25. Do you ever drink out of the bottle?

** bote lang.. tungga!

26. Are you drunk right now?

** hahaha, nope..

27. Do you consume more than 2 alcoholic beverages on daily basis?

** nope.. pero, pag friday, talagang bihira na di ako makijam (with drinks xempre)
hanggang four bottles of SMB lite lang..

28. do you drink a lot of wine?

** nah.. seriously, honestly.. truthfully, nah..

29. When's the last time you drank?

** today is friday.. hmm, last saturday everning.. May 24 sa Dumaguete City..
tas cguro mamayang gabi sa pang-pang kina Tru..

30. Name someone that will repost this drinking survey?

** lahat ng makakapagbasa nito will follow..
ganito naman talaga tayong mga noypi, d b? gayahan...
hahahaha ang iba naman, kunyari idedeny itong point ko kaya,
kahit gusto nilang e repost, di na lang... hahahaha

32. Hot tub/pool naked because of alcohol?

** hot tub? NO WAy! Cold xempre.. lagyan ng maraming yelo...
parang sa antartica.. yahooo...! hahaha

33. Failed any college courses due to alcohol alone

** di noh! responsible drinker ako..
di nga ako nagkakaron ng hang-over..
besides, hanggant 12 midnyt lang ako..
kundi, iwanan ko kayo... nyaaakk!

34. Ever woken up & said "Dude where's my car?

** hah? maxado kang presumtuous, wala po akong car..
sa tatay ko mga yun.. Bisekleta at scooters meron..
I don't drive when I'm drunk..
ayoko pa yatang sumakabilang buhay noh! aheheh

35. Ever carried someone up & down the stairs due to their drunkness?

** yes... angel nga ako eh date.. kaso, uminom ako ng coke..

37. Puked in a friend's car?

** paulit-ulit naman tong point mo... i don't puke nga eh.. controlled-drinking po system ko..


huha... tnx sa pagbasa..
love you DRAGONFLY..
xempre pati ikaw BEE kahit na.. hmmp!

BEATBOIZ fanatic (for life)

Last night, while I was sipping my coffee, I thought of accessing my friendster to check for some updates and other information. But honestly, such thought was being bogged by a certain form of excitement which I did not know where it was emanating. All I know was that I was experiencing a certain kind of sensation similar to hundreds of caterpillars crawling my veins and into my heart. Can you imagine how mind-boggling it was for me to comprehend? I was pre-occupied trying to decipher the root of its existence. Anyway, I decided to deviate my attention by switching on the TV.

Then, alas, I thought of texting idol. Hesitant as I was for fear that, you know, he will not text me back just like what he had been doing for several times now, I still texted him. To my surprise, he responded immediately. He was telling me that his dance group was already in Gubat for the Power Dance Contest.

Opps, I was quizzical. Did he not tell me back in May 2008 that the contest would be on June 5, 2008. In order to answer my question, I decided to look at the calendar in my cellphone. Unfortunately, it was not there. I texted him back about the veracity of this information. He sounded disappointed at the way I regarded the affair knowing the fact that I was not able to make it to the last contest they participated in Sugod last May too.

I hurriedly confirmed my attendance last night, took a quick bath and sped to Gubat.

Haay, fortunately I came shortly before Jun Dugan led the invocation. I saw the performances and predicted a first place or second-place finish for the beatboiz.

Huwaaw, galing talaga! They had pyrotechnics and some additional props which made their number worthy of my praises. But what really imprinted in my mind was when idol was searching for the sticks which he needed to hold in one of the parts of the dance. Using those sticks, their members had to resemble it to a violin. Hahaha, I was laughing at his facial expression. I could just imagine the panic he went through when he was groping for those sticks. He had to hold them within a very short period of time and when he turned to the first spot he thought the sticks were placed, he could not find it. Hahahaha Panic! Panic! Panic was in the air. But, well, being a pro, he scoured through and got them nonetheless perfectly on time.

They did not participate in the next part of the program which was called "breakdance showdown." I texted him and got a reply: "false hopes, sir. :-(" This response made me smile. It tingled me not because it was a negative reply but because he remembered that word I taught him when he was still my students. I remember texting him that word "false hope" to refer to impossible dreams and aspirations.. But going back to their ignoring that breakdance part, yeah, it was indeed a "false hope" because the participant from Legazpi got the prize for that part. But still, it would have been, in retrospect, a true test of sportsmanship and real skills had they sent a representative to that part such being impromptu.

Anyway, when the program was over, I decided to leave the place. Specially that my CP was already "battery empty". I did not bother anymore to find them and get the chance to talk to them. I immediately texted them when I arrived home. Albeit, I left the place only when I learned they bagged the second place.

Looking back now, I had a good time, a great time. I wanted to take pictures of the performances but, hmm, finally decided not to anymore. Because I thought, what the heck, truth is I was really there.

And as far as I am concerned, I will always be a beatboiz fanatic. For life... Why for life? Kasi, hannga't hindi ako natututong sumayaw ng paris ninyo, I will always be a fan. And take note, based from my scientific calculation (scientific daw oh!), it will require me my lifetime to be able to do that kaya "for life"... nyaaahahaha... Padaba ko kamo... weeeee!!!