When my lola was on her death bed, her last words were: "Easier said than done." Yeah, I know. Been there, done that. Just like giving advices. So easy to tell one. So hard to do one to yourself. SAID-DONE. Two ironic words sometimes. Minsan, you knew what was the right thing to do. Pero, di pa rin ginawa. Minsan, you knew it was wrong, pero yun pa rin ang ginawa. Life can make a person sometimes become so pathetic, confused. At the onset, akala nya he was already 100% sure of his actions, pero at the end of the day, he ends up remorseful. He thought he was all ready to cope. Yun pala, he will be depressed.
Last week was a tumultuous week for me. UP down. Down Up. Up Up. Down Down. Flatten. Down. Up. Down. Up. Hay buhay! Nakakahilo! Nakakalito! Pag barkada ko talaga at pride ang involved, pucha!, gulung-gulo lage isip ko. Waaaah!
Let me start by saying that everybody knows how much I value people -- especially my family and friends. To me, they are God's ultimate gift to me. It is for this reason that I always try my best to be with them everytime I can. I try to share anything that I have with them because, for me, they are my person's extension. They are a part of me. They are my reflections. They are me.
It is because of this belief of mine which led me to realize when I woke up one morning that I developed some sort of quasi-rule. I would like to put it also as a form of condition, as a form of policy, somehow a request too. Do you know what this is? It is that any act of them or omission that would make me feel I am unwanted by them; ignored or, simply, taken for granted. I think, you know, parallel to this, love does not deserve indifference. Sharing should not be reciprocated with selfishness. Companionship should not be returned with isolation or social castration. Caring should not be rippled with ignoring. Well, it is not that when I do something for my friends or for my family, I expect that such favor be returned somehow. What I am trying to point out here is that at least there should be show of appreciation. I am sure that saying "thank you" or "I appreciate what you are doing to me" would not take much of their time, energy or it may not even be too much for them to do. Besides, remember, we are friends. We are family.
Time. A beautiful word. A priceless possession. An unfathomable resource. A gift of equilibrium. Precious. Equally given yet found by many to be scarce. Ironic? Truthful! Pero, in fairness to some people, there are also those who try despite the odds pero sadya talaga kasing minsan ang panahon ang di sumasang-ayon. It sounds bullshit, nakakainis, nakakatorete but it is really the reality. We have to live with it and by it. Dito rin siguro pumapasok yung concept of destiny. Perhaps, it was destined to really happen that way kaya all courses came to nil and futility.
Pero, by looking deeper into it, di naman kaya eh sadyang what we initially thought was a labor enough done was not enough after all? Kaya nga, at the end of certain situations, when everything has been said and done, we still end up regretting. We still think that what we have done was not enough. Or admittedly, we are sorry because indeed kulang talaga; or at that moment, it was really a choice.
You know what, when my chosen bestfriend died in a tragic car accident on May 16, 1991, I really promised myself that no matter what happens, i will always show my support to my friends. I will let them feel how much I value and love them. I will let them see my care and concern for them. I will let them hear my thoughts -- beautiful thoughts -- about them. Ayoko kasing magsisi na i should have said, done and shown something to them at a time when everything is too late. Ang hirap talaga kasing kalabanin ang kunsensya, ang damdaming punung-puno ng pagsisisi. I've been there. May mga nagawa ako pero may mga nakaligtaan din. Minsan by intention at times accidental. Pero in both instances there is the feeling of remorse, of regret hoping I could bring back the time. Minsan kasi, parang apology or doing something extra is not enough to repair the damage done. Mabigat isipin. Ang hirap tanggapin. But it really happened. And the after feeling strikes well and sharply.
The last incident happened yun nga end of last week. Everything was all sett, well-planned. I was only waiting for the day when it shall be executed, done, carried out. Then dahil sa pagiging onion-skinned ko, ayun, I opted to shy away from cyber space. My bestfriend who needed my presence at a time most crucial to him was intentionally frustrated by me. Sinadya ko. Galit ako eh kasi ayun may nagawa sya sakin na di ko nagustuhan. Na-ignore nya ako. Kaya nasaktan ako (parot! isa itong character trait ko na i really want to change). Kaya, i thought of returning the favor. Pucha! I was all deadset sa pag indyan ko sa kanya. Pati nga yung isa ko pang barkada nadamay ko pa. Because when I told my second friend that I will not be going, di na rin daw sya pupunta. But let me just point out that I never pressured the latter.
But I have to admit, it was really a battle for me. Galit nga ako. Gagawin ko na ang panibagong plano ko pero I was thinking, you know being the always forecasting person that I have always been (contingencies and all), baka magsisi ako sa huli. Pero, nilamon ako ng pride ko eh. I convinced myself it was the right thing to do. Besides, I told myself it could be my way of teaching my friend a good lesson in valuing friends. I succeded in convincing myself. Sabi ko, never akong magsisisi at the end of this. It was afterall the right thing to do nga!
Before I went home early evening of that day, pumunta pa rin ako sa venue just so I could check if I would change my mind. I have to admit that I wanted to change. Pero, naisip ko, sometimes I have to be firm with my decision specially in situations like this kasi nga how will they give me importance if I will always understand, extend my patience, etcetera.. God knows, I wanted to stay despite the pain i was going through. Naisip ko, I will be there pero I will not tell my friend that I was there after all. Kaso, talagang at that moment, an tigas ng damdamin ko. Mas nanaig saken ang feeling brought about by having been taken for granted. Kaya, sumakay ako nga jeep, bus then went home.
Fast forward. All throughout the night, my mind was still with my friend. Di ako mapakali sa higaan ko. Naisip ko, siyeeett, I should have been there. Pero papano pa, nagawa ko na eh. Again, I told myself na pangatawanan ko na lang. Mapasamba ako. Mapasuyo. Maenarte. Nyak! At 11PM that might, my friend texted me. Sabi nya, "text naman dyan." Pero, hmm, ayun tinulugan ko na.
The following day, when I saw my celfon, ayun, muntik ko ng bugbugin ang sarili ko. Natauhan ako. Grabe! Sobra! I hit my head on the wall. Sinadya ko. It was because narealize ko na what I did last night was something really, really wrong. I became a foe to my bestfriend. I became a stranger. I was an idiot who did not deserve friendship. I was not there at my friend's side when I was being needed most importantly and urgently. How cruel of me! How assholy of me!
It hit me well. I texted. I got an immediate reply. We both apologized but more than that, we both agreed on certain things. Beyong the clouds indeed is a silverlining. Ayun, mas naging klaro samin ang mga obligations namin sa isa't isa as friends. Ganun pala yun.
Yes, there is still regret but it is now all water under the bridge. We have to cross the bridge now. It was already a spilled milk. We have to fix a new glass. I think, mas ok na kami ngayon. Pero, in my solitude, when I inevitably go back to that most unfortunate moment, I still have this bad taste in my mouth, very bad one. Masakit pa rin sakin isipin na I had to be hurt that bad for me to learn something. If only I could turn back the time... haayy..
Sa ngayon, i am praying that I will continue to improve myself as a friend to others. Hay buhay! Humility should always be a part of the foundation of a good and lasting friendship. Sadya talagang Pride should never be part of the volcabulary kasi dapat laging may nakalaang space to say "i forgive you", "i understand" and "i will always be here." The pain is lingering on. Lalo pa nung nagkita kami after that event. Kasi I wanted to make up for the lost moment, I gave my bestfriend who happened to be with his cousin a nice food treat.
During that happy moment, he presented to me the proofs of his bitter-sweet victory. ang sarap pala sa pakiramdam na mahawakan yun at makita sa mukha ng pinakamatalik mong kaibigan yung saya na dulot nung pagpupunyagi nya. Pero still, Bitter-sweet kasi sabi nya, sweet kasi sa kanya napunta ang grand prize pero bitter because "ala kasi kayo dun ni jade." Ouch!
My bestfriend further told me that he initially thought I was there during the whole time witnessing his triumph. I wanted to say "yes I was there" pero I have always been honest. If I will lie, i knew I will be caught maybe not today but one day in the future. Kaya, umamin ako. I apologized so deeply and I told him how much i regret having done so. Ironically, he said "it's okay." He understood me despite everything that I have done. Such made me even more repentant. And I promised bestfriend (and also my other friends) that I will never ever gonna miss all the of his activities again. God knows I'd do this. I swear!
For you dear readers, please learn from my experience. I am telling you now. It was a lot lot harder in real life; harder than what you can imagine or visualize. Believe me. Trust me on this para di rin kayo magsisi gaya ng nangyari sakin. Besides, it is so hard to earn a true friend. But it is so easy to lose one.
Ey, when was the last time you said "i love you" or "padaba ko ikaw" to your friend? May mawawala ba sayo kung sasabihin mo to sa kanya sa oras na magkita kayo after reading this? Good luck po. God bless you all..
PS:
BTW, my proud congratulations to you Mr. John T. Frivaldo (former BSIT-1 student of TLC, SY2007-2008) for winning the 2008 Mr. CAT College in Legazpi City last Saturday, September 13, 2008 held at the Albay Astrodome... You were awesome that night idol! Hakot awards pateeee....
