I AM NOT A STAR, I JUST FEEL LIKE ONE

I am writing this specific blog tonight not because I think I owe other people some explanations about some of my codes (used to withhold identities) -- going beyond that -- but because I thought this topic is an interesting one. It is not the topic about my codes but the topic that emanated from it. From the text stimulus that I received from one of the intrigeros to his most unbelievable source to the connections they made up.

"... Minding other people's business leading to spreading badly concocted rumors brought about by wrongful establishment of connections and logic ..."

Going back to the past when I was still a kid, I have already been skepticized by some ridiculous people who did not have good past times other than looking at others and putting their own peculiar interpretations of what I do, say and,worse, think. It is quite ironic because I have always been a very private person. I locked up my thoughts and my beliefs to myself just so others will not treat me unfairly nor judge me unaccordingly.

But behold! I grew up and still got the bad shot eyes of those who witnessed me. At first, it irked me. It caused me pain. Slowly, I moved, thought and acted conforming to their expectations. I was hurting deep inside and i lived like a prisoner in my own self. Ironic because this was not the kind of scenario I thought I'd ever get involved in.

Pero, the pain subsided as I evolved. Waiting a little longer, I became more attuned to the realities of life. I have observed and I was convinced that life is not at all a bed of roses. No matter what good I do to others, there would still be some who will not be pleased. Old cliche, yes, but indeed no one can please everybody.

Do not do unto others as you would not want to do unto you. Huhumm, la la la. This has slowly became an alternative to sleeping pills for me. Everytime I heard people say this, it made my eye brows raise. I became a doubter of such straightforward quotation. To me, I found it very angelic; and I am no angel.

Soon, I became more mature. When the time people were expected to be in a relationship, flirting and courting almost everyone, I was not part of it. I rebel from the usual trend. I would just be with good friends and in other times just be on my own. I created my own world and those who wanted to be with me had to live according to the rules of my world -- my rules. It was pathetic for me to be persuaded by what others think I should be doing. I believed from the bottom of my heart that the pressure should not be external rather it should be through my own personal volition. Some people did not like this. Their utter dislike made me smile.

During crisis, I would live luxuriously. I would enjoy watching movies, riding the taxi, staying in hotels for several days, buying signature clothes, eating fancy, exotic foods. And I made sure, envious people get to see all of these. I wanna let them enjoy imagining the good, nice feelings I have. I pretended not to notice them. But, deep down, I was applauding my own act. I was bursting with gladness in every centigrade that is increased in their boiling blood of disgust to my satisfyingly happy life.

Later, I became a much improved and independent person. Hmm, natutuwa when people get pissed of my feats. I rejoice when people become so envious of me. I feel ecstatic when people talk on my back and learn about it in another time. Wow! I developed this feeling of being a star. I started to learn to shrug off what I consider to be statements made out of jealousy or envy. To me, I should even still be thankful to them for finding time to make me a subject of their conversation. It was my simple way of making them realize the value of analysis. Talking about me is indeed a good way to exercise their rusty analytical skills. Besides, I think I am really a good subject matter. Mysterious, handsome, intelligent, well-dressed, somehow moneyed, Aspen scented, with lots of nice friends who are personally hand-picked by me.. Ahh, I am a luxury.

So I moved on with my life. I am what I am because this is what I want myself to be. Those who come in front of me don't last a day or two. They are blown away by my subtly passionate spell. In just one wave of my magic wand, they are out and they get their own freebies too. Out they go! Splash they arrive on their mud of disgrace. But this does not mean I start this, I wait until someone starts it. I am not quarrelsome. But I do not run away from one. I use my head. I do not use my heart. I analyze things. I gather all the resources. I prepare well. I make sure the other one ends up crashed and molecular.

I am not a star, I just feel like one. This the reality for me. I do not choose to be liked by others, they do. I do not choose to be hated by them, they do. I do not choose the kind of relationship they may extend to them, they do. But I choose to do what I think I must to make sure I stay happy, contented and victorious at the end of my everyday. Those who disrupt my smooth and peaceful life so I must grip until their blood runs dry. I give them a dose of their own medicines. I give them what they want for doing such cruel things to me while I continue to bear a smile on my face. All this they do not even know until it is too late for them to retract and back-out.

At the end of the day, before I go to sleep, as I rest my back on head, I look up to the ceiling and ask myself: who have again been victimized by their own selfish acts? by their indifference towards me? by the works of their own idle minds?

Hahahaha, sincerely, I smile but with a sigh hoping that people will start to learn to accept that respect begets respect, and that I do not need to be criticized by them because I do not need those and besides I am not asking a single one from them.

Do I ask money from them to buy my food, clothings, vices, etc. so that I would give them the chance to mind my business? No! I earn my own keeps and that I mind my own business. Habo ko kulog san lawas pero dai ako nadulag sa laban!

So help me God.. HAHAHAHAHA...

-=(dragonfly)=-